i’ll make this nonsense post instead of re-reading paradise lost
been feeling like a fucking kid lately, walking around in too big shoes, trying to read the lips of everyone around me, trying to emulate ”adult-ness” — or to at least say something, think of something. but my mind’s been so blank lately. all i can think of is riding in a car with my dad six years ago when i was mad at him and staring at my feet on the dashboard and him saying “c’mon what’re you thinking?” and i said “nothing,” but he said “that’s not true, i can tell you’re thinking about something.” and he went off rambling about when he was first becoming friends with and dating my mom .. that she’d not say anything and he knew somehow that she really wasn’t thinking of anything, but that was because she didn’t know as much as she did now. and i think that’s a strange thing to say, but then i also start thinking that i used to always be thinking about something and now my mind is always blank. and so maybe i’m dumber now than i was then. or in my last few years of high school. and then i think of other, stranger, things: what if i’d always worn my retainer to bed every night after my braces were removed — would my face not look so weird now? would my front teeth not be crooked? or what if my mom weren’t such a fucking prude? would i be comfortable saying shit to people .. or saying anything at all? i was always quiet in elementary school and it worried my first grade teacher so much that she called home about it — my parents (they later told me) were confused by this: why would a first grade teacher complain about a student being quiet? wouldn’t that be refreshing?
and now i’ve come to realize that i open up to only the people who matter the most to me (given, my quietness may deter some individuals from even giving me a chance as a friend/person). i mean, i could be fucking autistic, who knows. but autism is socially constructed, so fuck it all.
figuring it out as i go, i suppose. it’s been almost three weeks since i stopped talking to the person i wanted to tell everything to. it’s the worst sometimes, and better others, but mostly i just want to feel whole again.
